Decision to Take Back My Life

Yes I was bullied, yes it affected me, but no way in hell nearly as much as the effect that one stupid app had on my life. 

I’m tall, active and a fairly reserved person, which is very different I now note, to unconfident. 

Of course I was going to weigh more than those around me, (not lying about my height!). I was never really that self conscious or worried about how I looked to other people; I was happy. 

In April 2017 I downloaded MyFitness Pal and this ended up being the catalyst of a period, which is safe to say, looking back on now was the worst period of my life. 

Prior to downloading it I was very easy come, easy go. I’ve definitely recognised there were issues regarding disordered eating but I was blissfully unaware of what was to come. 

The main thing I used MyFitness Pal was, to begin with, see how many calories I consumed because, as I recall telling my Mum, I was ‘curious’; not that I ever thought that I was really that bothered by it at all. However, each day went by and as red numbers or high levels of fat began to show I began to feel more and more shame about what I was eating and low and behold, started to get very self conscious. 

Very gradually I started to limit and restrict foods that looked bad according to the app which meant that over time, the food I ate was limited to whole foods with little to no fat or carbs that I could prepare myself. 

Doing this led to me picking up traits so easily that meant if anything happened around meal times, or anyone made any comments about me or my food I, my mind, was being told that this was proof I didn’t need food. I was fat enough as it is. Food was definitely not a necessity and given me being fat, I began thinking I didn’t really need it at all. 

I soon enough started started tracking my exercise, I had to go to the gym in order to loose a certain amount of calories and could not leave until this was done. I never ever left feeling any better about myself.

As time went by my head told me that my tracking had to be more and more exact. Little hints of perfectionism started to creep in because I’d finally found something I could control, and was good at!

If using this app, everything I tracked had to be exact, otherwise it would all be pointless of course... Therefore the only right, and logical thing to do was start weighing my food. Once this started I suddenly realised that actually, sticking to my set amount of calories was do able so as this got easier I wanted to challenge myself by reducing the amount of calories I was consuming, which my perfectionism and controlling traits absolutely thrived on. 

So to cut a long story short, this resulted and ended with me being diagnosed with Bulimia Nervosa. The foods I was restricting and not allowing myself I suddenly began to crave- more than crave, it was as if I were actually thinking about them 24/7! Food controlled my life. I became obsessed with looking at food on Instagram, going into supermarkets and not buying anything or looking at menus and thinking about all the food I wasn’t allowed. All of this to me though, was normal, obviously. My mind was being overtaken. 

Life, went from being very very spontaneous to the most controlled and petrifying time of my life. I knew I had to take myself away from any social situation because I had to stick to my own calorie limits; people around me, such as family, had to be distant because, again all that was going to do was be questioned and people try to stop what I was doing. Which, during the time, made me outrageously angry because in my view everything I was doing was normal and right. So having gone from everything, an unbelievably supportive family, friends, a life, I suddenly went to actually being scarily isolated. I could see the hurt it was causing those around me but at the time, my view was that they were being ridiculous and basically selfish, they should just leave me be. I wasn’t too fussed about this overtime because as long as I had my control I’d be fine, so I thought. I didn't need anyone. 

I, in a very short period, got severely depressed but again in the moment didn't realise. Depression and bulimia work hand in hand in scary ways. Everything about what I was doing became so normal and it was this point that actually scared me. I began feeling extremely suicidal, still convinced this was meant to be and I just needed to get on with it; life was just seeming far too hard. I knew I had to tell someone. 

Recovery was a long and hard process, and in many ways I’m lucky to have not had to go through numerous years of this without telling someone because, looking back if I had, whether I would be here today is questionable. Having worked with an amazing therapist and dietician, she made me realise that deleting the app was the first and most important thing to be done. 

Gradually I am starting to appreciate exercise and enjoy it for the reasons I used to, having been working with a personal trainer for the last year I’ve managed to get into a routine and know that if I want to train I have to eat otherwise it is all pointless. This at the moment, is still work in progress but I am challenging these thoughts each week and moving forward. I absolutely love exercise, but not when forced and this love is starting to creep back more and more. 

I have lapsed at times which is obviously to be expected but the overall progress has been positive and proves to me that, apps such as this which I know there are many of, need to have some kind of restriction or a way of measuring the safety around their use.

I am finally beginning to realise that confidence is one our most beautiful identities and can be represented in so many ways. As mentioned above I am a reserved individual and when I was at my worst, bulimia and depression made me feel that this was an outrageous trait to have and my weight was the cause of it all, so if I could solve that I could solve everything. Yet it does the opposite, I came out with little to no self esteem or confidence. 

Confidence isn’t about being loud or the most ‘popular’, it comes from the depths of trusting and truly believing in yourself. It can be expressed in so many different ways and just because you may be a slightly more reserved individual doesn’t mean you are any less than those who may be louder around you.  We are all different and are all meant to be different, so learning to appreciate and accept yourself for who you are is when the biggest differences in ones confidence will be seen. 

I believe far too many people start using such apps and get easily addicted and controlling about their lifestyles which is far far too unhealthy and that the use of apps such as these, positively correlates with the increase in mental health issues particularly in eating disorders. 

My advice for anyone suffering in silence, you’ve probably heard it before but here it is again, speak out. I was like what’s the point, I like the way I am and do you know what, its easier doing things my way than feeling like pure shit all the time. But that’s not true!! As my therapist said, you’ve got to treat recovery as an experiment, you have to challenge each of the thoughts our mind tells us and gather evidence for whether or not this is true. 

You can get your life back, and the first step to this, is stopping tracking- be it calories, exercise or even steps. All of this can result in unhealthy obsessions which may lead to something that controls your life. 

I do not count myself as fully recovered because I still have my moments, but I am 100% on the way and can easily say that I actually feel like I am getting my life back, which for a lot of the time seemed like something never achievable and I’m not just saying that. 

So if you take anything from this, please please trust those around you and get help. People are there to help you and although you may be afraid, if you like challenges enough why not give this one a go? 

To any app or programme with any such purpose, thank you for briefly destroying the best things in life for me- surprisingly food actually being one of them!! - but I can finally say, I am bigger and better than you.