Confidence Isn't About Being Loud

One of the major life changing things, I mean as if I can sound anymore cliché lol, I've realised and only briefly touched on, is confidence.

During life you're brought up and it becomes very clear at first glance those who are louder and those who are quieter. Yet what also gets brought to light is that being 'quiet' is a bad or negative trait to have. I instantly felt, when people picked up on my quietness like I had been labelled. That was that, stamped and marked for life, that was me. 

Always sitting there imagining myself being as loud and outgoing as some of those around me, and thinking one day, that'll be me, up there on stage joking around, singing at the top of my voice. But do you know what, it really wouldn't ever be me!! I am a much more reserved and yes, quieter individual; this doesn't make me any less fun or gregarious, or mean that I will have any less opportunities available to me. My brain had automatically made the connection that because I was quiet, this was a bad thing and actually, nothing good really could happen because those who are quiet don't get as far in life, I instantly felt less worthy, as if everyone else had a purpose.
I mean why on earth I even connected these two things looking back on, I really really don't know.

When my eating disorder began I decided that my 'fatness' was the root cause of me being 'quiet.' Because this just makes so much logical sense doesn't it?! I decided that in order to be loud, and sociable and the most 'popular' the only reasonable thing to do was lose weight, obviously. I started targeting anything and everything that went wrong because of my weight; did badly in exams, oh Ellie it is because you're fat and don't put the work in; had an argument with a friend, see Ellie this is just proof that because you're fat, people don't get on with you; all I really thought I wanted in life was to be the one out there, in your face and at the time, the one with all the 'friends'. So inevitably, things spiralled wayyy out of control.

I honestly feel that school has a huge input on my attitude around confidence which I believe I am not alone in; whenever it came to giving presentations, or public speaking, even just reading aloud, the only ever way to deal with these emotions would be come on, just get up and do your best. The same may be felt across different aspects of school or social environments, such as academic abilities and being able to fit in etc. I mean if someone had a phobia of closed spaces would you look them in a room for a couple of hours and say come on, just get on with it??  We have to remember during these younger years we are so so easily influenced and I do believe that the things that happen to us in school, stick with us for years to come. The affect that can be caused by school and our learning environments on ones confidence can honestly be detrimental. What is frustrating is that later on in life, you will honestly look back on those years and think why did I ever let it affect me like that. 

It is only now, what like probably over 10 years later which is mad!!, when I properly know what confidence is. I've finally accepted that, that won't be me singing at the top of my voice in front of a big group of new people, or shouting and joking about at the top of my voice, that isn't me. I might not be that great at public speaking, but as long as I feel ok and don't fear I am being marked or judged by those around me, I am able to get my views and opinions across without being terrified that I've done or said something wrong. 

I am Me, Ellie, slightly less loud and more held back, but definitely open up more when I get to know people better, and that is OK. I am different to anyone around me, but never ever 'different' in a way that should be seen negatively.

The connection between self esteem and accepting ourselves is huge. If we don't accept who we are as people, how are we meant to be comfortable with our actions. Self esteem we know is what makes up our confidence, so if someone feels that because they are more shy this makes them less of person, how damaged must our confidence get!! Confidence comes from the depths of trust and belief, deep deep down, and that acceptance of ourselves can be one of the first huge steps to realising, actually, it is OK to be me, who I really am. 

So honestly, when I said in the last post that confidence isn't about being loud I honestly meant it; it is one of the biggest revelations I've had to date. Whether you are loud or quiet, out there or slightly more reserved, please please please, don't ever confuse this for meaning that you aren't as worthy as anyone else. We are all different and are all made to be different, so just accept it, and be who you really are, not who you want or think you should be.

Confidence comes from within; there is a reason people say its one of the most beautiful personality traits to have.