Relationship with Exercise
Up until, even the beginning of this summer, it is fair to say that one of the main reasons I exercised (outside of rowing) was not because I wanted to. It was because I wanted to change the way I looked. My lil head was convinced that if I exercised to lose weight and make myself smaller life would just be better. My self-worth would instantly be increased, it would make me more accepted and it would make me happier. The reality is that it brought none of this, all it caused was me to absolutely hate the exercise I was doing. My whole life revolved around me going to the gym and would very much dictate the way that I was living.
Which honestly, writing this now, feels bizarre as most of the training I do I absolutely love...it is obvious and absolutely fair enough though, that occasionally we get days or sessions which seem pretty difficult, it just shouldn't be something that is happening every single session. It is also important to make clear that, for those who train lots and lots, feeling tired going into a session is not the same as feeling like the only reason you're doing the session is because it is coming from a nasty thought process...these are boundaries that again have to be figured out.
I had created this relationship with exercise that was absolutely toxic. One that I thought I would never ever get out of. It drove me to dragging myself to the gym most days of the week and if I didn't then the day would just be a complete right-off. In my eyes I had failed and should just spend the rest of the day feeling guilty and ashamed. It was all coming from a very driven, threat system because of not being happy with the way I looked.
As with most things, transforming this relationship took time and still needs some (lots) of work. I definitely turned a corner after making the decision to join rowing during third year; being part of a team gave me a purpose and it meant the training I was doing was focused and working towards something.
At the beginning of summer I knew that I would soon be starting rowing full-time and I had honestly never ever wanted anything more. Rowing was the place I had found that felt like it was properly for me and to be able to do it every day is honestly amazing. So this meant that, when uni ended which meant the end of uni rowing, gymming would restart and I knew I had to be doing it for the right reasons. It had to come from a place that was me wanting to do it rather than me forcing and driving myself to go no matter what. And this I can easily say, took a long time to get my head around. But it came from that same part of me that decided to challenge what I was eating and how much I was eating a while ago. I was pretty sick of being afraid to go on a night out because I knew I would then be hungover so wouldn't be able to train. I wanted to be able to actually go and enjoy that night out and spend time with friends. It took time, but the more I challenged it the easier it became. Because the gym can wait. It wasn't going anywhere.
As soon as I realised that I wanted to train to get fitter and stronger for the year ahead it made me physically excited to go to the gym. I didn't dread it and it no longer felt like a burden; it wasn't coming from that driven, nasty attitude. I wanted to be there.
As I have mentioned, I have been told that one thing that could potentially hold me back from going as far as I want is my past eating disorder. That meant this relationship I held with exercise had to go. And for anyone who knows me properly knows just how stubborn I am, so this absolutely will go...it'll just take time.
This relationship is something I've have noticed cropping up the most since starting full-time as it occasionally come backs to bite me on the arse and causes slight hiccups, especially during this period being injured. For the first five weeks of this year there were no issues, but as soon as the injury came and I couldn't row, my focus turned to other things; things I felt like I could control. Which unfortunately turns out not to be the recovery of some ribs :)
Hence why I have decided to write this post, because I think the relationships people have with the gym nowadays can very easily slip into a bit of a nasty one which is sad. Because exercise is amazing and can do so so much in terms of everything, but that is only if it is being done for the right reasons.
It is weird, I suddenly started little behaviours and things such as wanting to start extra training and train to earn food or attempt to change the way I looked. It made me take a bit of a step back and think about what was going on. I could be training up to four times a day and my head has tried to convince me that I am definitely not doing enough. It meant that each day, even if I had got lots out of each of those sessions, I still felt like I had failed.
This period has proved this relationship is still something I need to work on. I don't want to be wasting useless energy on going through every training session feeling like I'm doing it to make myself look more like the person I used to wish I was or questioning whether I am doing enough all of the time.
The first step of being aware to the situation is a big one and I know that I can now focus and spend time working on this mentality and actively remember why I do what I do.
I am lucky to be in a place where I am able to observe and be aware of this; it definitely scares me that my brain can so easily slip into these little incredibly unhelpful thought processes. But all it shows me is that if my brain can be that strong, I can be stronger and can overcome it. :)
As with everything, if you do challenge and experiment against these thoughts things seem to fall into place. And with time they all get easier, and then we can challenge it further.
But, the most important thing is that the enjoyment that was once there comes back if we remove that driven and controlling behaviour and start doing things that we actually want to do and because we want to do them.
Again it has highlighted that recovery very much isn't a straight-line process, I am still learning and observing things everyday. Eating disorders will work their way back in in whatever form if they have to, and try to convince you that they're gone. Especially during slightly more difficult times. But by knowing that you've challenged and changed things in the past should be enough to back yourself to do it again, because at the end of the day as much as we sometimes don't think it, you are the one in control of your journey.
So, next time if you're about to say no to going-out because you wanna be in the gym at 6am, or you are about to head the gym but really really don't want to go and are only going because of a nasty voice in your head, just don't. Challenge and experiment against that driven feeling and just see what happens xoxo
Which honestly, writing this now, feels bizarre as most of the training I do I absolutely love...it is obvious and absolutely fair enough though, that occasionally we get days or sessions which seem pretty difficult, it just shouldn't be something that is happening every single session. It is also important to make clear that, for those who train lots and lots, feeling tired going into a session is not the same as feeling like the only reason you're doing the session is because it is coming from a nasty thought process...these are boundaries that again have to be figured out.
I had created this relationship with exercise that was absolutely toxic. One that I thought I would never ever get out of. It drove me to dragging myself to the gym most days of the week and if I didn't then the day would just be a complete right-off. In my eyes I had failed and should just spend the rest of the day feeling guilty and ashamed. It was all coming from a very driven, threat system because of not being happy with the way I looked.
As with most things, transforming this relationship took time and still needs some (lots) of work. I definitely turned a corner after making the decision to join rowing during third year; being part of a team gave me a purpose and it meant the training I was doing was focused and working towards something.
At the beginning of summer I knew that I would soon be starting rowing full-time and I had honestly never ever wanted anything more. Rowing was the place I had found that felt like it was properly for me and to be able to do it every day is honestly amazing. So this meant that, when uni ended which meant the end of uni rowing, gymming would restart and I knew I had to be doing it for the right reasons. It had to come from a place that was me wanting to do it rather than me forcing and driving myself to go no matter what. And this I can easily say, took a long time to get my head around. But it came from that same part of me that decided to challenge what I was eating and how much I was eating a while ago. I was pretty sick of being afraid to go on a night out because I knew I would then be hungover so wouldn't be able to train. I wanted to be able to actually go and enjoy that night out and spend time with friends. It took time, but the more I challenged it the easier it became. Because the gym can wait. It wasn't going anywhere.
As soon as I realised that I wanted to train to get fitter and stronger for the year ahead it made me physically excited to go to the gym. I didn't dread it and it no longer felt like a burden; it wasn't coming from that driven, nasty attitude. I wanted to be there.
As I have mentioned, I have been told that one thing that could potentially hold me back from going as far as I want is my past eating disorder. That meant this relationship I held with exercise had to go. And for anyone who knows me properly knows just how stubborn I am, so this absolutely will go...it'll just take time.
This relationship is something I've have noticed cropping up the most since starting full-time as it occasionally come backs to bite me on the arse and causes slight hiccups, especially during this period being injured. For the first five weeks of this year there were no issues, but as soon as the injury came and I couldn't row, my focus turned to other things; things I felt like I could control. Which unfortunately turns out not to be the recovery of some ribs :)
Hence why I have decided to write this post, because I think the relationships people have with the gym nowadays can very easily slip into a bit of a nasty one which is sad. Because exercise is amazing and can do so so much in terms of everything, but that is only if it is being done for the right reasons.
It is weird, I suddenly started little behaviours and things such as wanting to start extra training and train to earn food or attempt to change the way I looked. It made me take a bit of a step back and think about what was going on. I could be training up to four times a day and my head has tried to convince me that I am definitely not doing enough. It meant that each day, even if I had got lots out of each of those sessions, I still felt like I had failed.
This period has proved this relationship is still something I need to work on. I don't want to be wasting useless energy on going through every training session feeling like I'm doing it to make myself look more like the person I used to wish I was or questioning whether I am doing enough all of the time.
The first step of being aware to the situation is a big one and I know that I can now focus and spend time working on this mentality and actively remember why I do what I do.
I am lucky to be in a place where I am able to observe and be aware of this; it definitely scares me that my brain can so easily slip into these little incredibly unhelpful thought processes. But all it shows me is that if my brain can be that strong, I can be stronger and can overcome it. :)
As with everything, if you do challenge and experiment against these thoughts things seem to fall into place. And with time they all get easier, and then we can challenge it further.
But, the most important thing is that the enjoyment that was once there comes back if we remove that driven and controlling behaviour and start doing things that we actually want to do and because we want to do them.
Again it has highlighted that recovery very much isn't a straight-line process, I am still learning and observing things everyday. Eating disorders will work their way back in in whatever form if they have to, and try to convince you that they're gone. Especially during slightly more difficult times. But by knowing that you've challenged and changed things in the past should be enough to back yourself to do it again, because at the end of the day as much as we sometimes don't think it, you are the one in control of your journey.
So, next time if you're about to say no to going-out because you wanna be in the gym at 6am, or you are about to head the gym but really really don't want to go and are only going because of a nasty voice in your head, just don't. Challenge and experiment against that driven feeling and just see what happens xoxo
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