Life As An Experiment

Have been meaning to write this for a few weeks now; I guess I haven’t because the fact that I have recognised performance sport isn’t the right place for me right now is hard to admit. Gonna try and keep it short and sweet, but update you all on the decision I’ve made and why.   Over the last almost two years when introducing myself, my go to has always been ‘Hi, nice to meet you. I’m Ellie and I am a full-time rower.’ Always enjoyable to see how quickly I could get the fact that I rowed into the conversation… When making the decision to stop rowing, not because I don’t want to do it anymore but because I’ve recognised that environment is not one that is healthy for me, my first thought was shit! Who even am I now?    Since my training had to pause due to ongoing illness, it became apparent that I probably wasn’t quite where I believed I was in terms of recovery. It was obvious that doing three sessions a day had, in a way, ‘allowed me’ to eat properly. It was a twisted ...

Have thought about writing this for a while, probably because a) the situation is one that has been and is so challenging for a lot of people, but also b) it has taken some accepting of the fact that I am not quite where I thought I was or want to be mentally. This period has been a big eye opener, and one that I know is even more important for me to treat as an experiment. Testing myself now, in very unusual circumstances, I know will help to make me stronger when we come out of this. Hold the vision, trust the process. This phrase is something I have reminded myself of daily for a while now; it has become even more important whilst in isolation. And in all honesty, I believe it speaks volumes, in so many different ways.  Whether it be a vision of something you may want to achieve in your job, a skill or sporting achievement, or to do with your recovery. Whatever that vision is, that is what you have to hold on to. Your job is to just persevere with the process of getting t...

I stayed on that f****** bus. The past year has not been easy but I have done it, I have finished university and had the best year yet. I have made some of the biggest decisions of my life, so the pressure has definitely been felt. Third year seems all about working hard and getting yourself on a grad scheme because that's what everyone else around you is doing. So, I got to the beginning of this year and absolutely freaked out! I was going into final year and really felt like I had not accomplished the whole 'uni experience' at alll. So I went and did things differently, decided to treat it just like first year; I joined different and new societies, got properly into my studying and met loads of new people. It was the best decision I ever made. A decision that I would not have made had Gramps not told me to stay on that bus. In September, having said when I was 15 that I would never row again, I decided that I would go back and give rowing a go, as a novice. I had noth...

One of the major life changing things, I mean as if I can sound anymore cliché lol,  I've realised and only briefly touched on, is confidence. During life you're brought up and it becomes very clear at first glance those who are louder and those who are quieter. Yet what also gets brought to light is that being 'quiet' is a bad or negative trait to have. I instantly felt, when people picked up on my quietness like I had been labelled. That was that, stamped and marked for life, that was me.  Always sitting there imagining myself being as loud and outgoing as some of those around me, and thinking one day, that'll be me, up there on stage joking around, singing at the top of my voice. But do you know what, it really wouldn't ever be me!! I am a much more reserved and yes, quieter individual; this doesn't make me any less fun or gregarious, or mean that I will have any less opportunities available to me. My brain had automatically made the connection th...

Yes  I was bullied, yes it affected me, but no way in hell nearly as much as the effect that one stupid app had on my life.  I’m tall, active and a fairly reserved person, which is very different I now note, to unconfident.  Of course  I was going to weigh more than those around me, (not lying about my height!). I was never really that  self conscious  or worried about how I looked to other people; I was happy .  In April 2017 I downloaded  MyFitness  Pal and this ended up being the catalyst of a period, which is safe to say, looking back on now was the worst period of my life.  Prior to downloading it I was very easy come, easy go. I’ve definitely recognised there were issues regarding disordered  eating  but I was blissfully unaware of what was to come.  The main thing I used  MyFitness  Pal was, to begin with, see how many calories I consumed because, as I recall telling my Mum, I was ‘curious...