Life As An Experiment

Have been meaning to write this for a few weeks now; I guess I haven’t because the fact that I have recognised performance sport isn’t the right place for me right now is hard to admit. Gonna try and keep it short and sweet, but update you all on the decision I’ve made and why.   Over the last almost two years when introducing myself, my go to has always been ‘Hi, nice to meet you. I’m Ellie and I am a full-time rower.’ Always enjoyable to see how quickly I could get the fact that I rowed into the conversation… When making the decision to stop rowing, not because I don’t want to do it anymore but because I’ve recognised that environment is not one that is healthy for me, my first thought was shit! Who even am I now?    Since my training had to pause due to ongoing illness, it became apparent that I probably wasn’t quite where I believed I was in terms of recovery. It was obvious that doing three sessions a day had, in a way, ‘allowed me’ to eat properly. It was a twisted ...

I stayed on that f****** bus. The past year has not been easy but I have done it, I have finished university and had the best year yet. I have made some of the biggest decisions of my life, so the pressure has definitely been felt. Third year seems all about working hard and getting yourself on a grad scheme because that's what everyone else around you is doing. So, I got to the beginning of this year and absolutely freaked out! I was going into final year and really felt like I had not accomplished the whole 'uni experience' at alll. So I went and did things differently, decided to treat it just like first year; I joined different and new societies, got properly into my studying and met loads of new people. It was the best decision I ever made. A decision that I would not have made had Gramps not told me to stay on that bus. In September, having said when I was 15 that I would never row again, I decided that I would go back and give rowing a go, as a novice. I had noth...

Having just returned to uni after summer, going into my final year, it genuinely got me thinking how there have been a lot of times that I never thought I'd reach this point. My university experience, as a whole, has been very up and down; I didn't get on the course I wanted to so had major course doubts, a lot of family situations have come up over the last two years and I just don't think I was in the best of headspaces at times. For me, dropping out has been a very serious option at least 3 times. But obviously, uni has also been amazing. I've met some of the most amazing people who all mean so much to me, in so many different ways and have also learnt so much about myself as a person. In December 2016, my first term here at York, I thought that was it for me. I just wanted to leave. I really really was not enjoying my course, I felt a bit shitty and I thought, maybe this uni thing isn't for me. Especially as all I had seemed to hear was 'its the best time...

Yes  I was bullied, yes it affected me, but no way in hell nearly as much as the effect that one stupid app had on my life.  I’m tall, active and a fairly reserved person, which is very different I now note, to unconfident.  Of course  I was going to weigh more than those around me, (not lying about my height!). I was never really that  self conscious  or worried about how I looked to other people; I was happy .  In April 2017 I downloaded  MyFitness  Pal and this ended up being the catalyst of a period, which is safe to say, looking back on now was the worst period of my life.  Prior to downloading it I was very easy come, easy go. I’ve definitely recognised there were issues regarding disordered  eating  but I was blissfully unaware of what was to come.  The main thing I used  MyFitness  Pal was, to begin with, see how many calories I consumed because, as I recall telling my Mum, I was ‘curious...